Why Dudes, Bros and Homeboys Should Get Into Personal Development

Amanda Abella — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 14:00:52 +0000

I've spent the last few weeks trying to help a good friend of mine through a rough breakup. Through this process he brought up something very interesting that has stuck out in my mind for some time - dudes have no where to go for self-help & personal development, or at the very least, they don't know where to go.

Photo via HA! Designs - Artbyheather @ Flickr

At first I must have looked at him like he was nuts, but he continued anyway, "When you went through your break-up a few months back your girlfriends took care of you. They got you out of the house, they supported you when you were down. Plus, you had all these women empowerment groups to go to which helped you focus on something else other than your break-up. Women who read your blog sent you encouraging emails from all over the country. You even knew what books to read! Us guys...yeah we don't have that. We're told to suck shit up and deal with it on our own."

He was right. I was floored.

This inspired me to do a little research for all the amazing dudes who read this blog (my friend being one of them). After all, I've always got sweet stuff for the ladies (being that I am a woman it's just easier) but I've never put anything together for my male readers.

Some of you may be rolling your eyes, but I know for a fact you deal with a lot of the same crap us ladies do. Why? Because we're all human and we're all in it together. Besides, you read this blog so clearly you have some sort of interest in your own well being.

Granted, the difference lies in how you deal with stuff. Am I going to tell you to get in lotus position and share your feelings? Not exactly. Unless that works for you, of course.So bear with me as I dish on why men should get on the self-help bandwagon.

How many times have you felt like you had no outlet for how you feel?

Probably quite a few. That's because entire generations of men have been told to conceal their feelings and "man up." They've been told to pick themselves up by their boot straps and dust themselves off. Don't get me wrong I love a strong confident dude as much as the next girl & I certainly don't want the guy I'm dating to be more into chick flicks than I am, but that doesn't mean you have to shut down and suppress how you actually feel.

As humans we need to deal with life. That means we get curve balls thrown at us, go through heartbreak and encounter disappointments. Emotions come up regardless of what genitalia you happen to don and for that reason alone you must learn how to deal with them. Take WWII vets for instance, they were expected to just forget about the war and move on with their lives. Consequently, many vets did just that and ended up with PTSD instead.

Moral of the story: deal with your emotions.

Does this mean get in a pow wow, take up Pilates and share your feelings with every person you encounter? Absolutely not. It just means find something that works for YOU. For instance, does working out help you get clear? Maybe you can take up mixed martial arts or some sort of sport. I have one male coaching client who boxes and has started a daily routine of plugging in his headphones and jamming out to some tunes. Those two things alone help him deal with whatever is coming up for him.

How many times have you felt alone? Like you're the only one feeling a certain way?

Again, probably quite a few times. Old habits die hard, and even today men are much less likely to seek help from others or therapy than women are. In my own experience with dating, the only thing that really ensues is a distant man who pushes away for the sake of "being strong." With the more severe cases they only end up projecting whatever emotions haven't been dealt with and hurting people in the process. Women have, of course, been taught to do the exact opposite and what usually ensues is an argument we see mimicked on sitcoms all the time.

Now if all if you dudes are doing this it's no wonder you feel like you can't read that book, call a friend or find a therapist. Hell, you may feel like you can't even talk to another dude! Notice how absurd it is that a man feels like he can't talk to another man about problems they both share! Given that you are all hard wired differently than women are, wouldn't it make sense to talk to a person who can see eye to eye with you?

We, as a society, need to change the conversation. It's not just women who deal with emotions, men most certainly have them too and there is no reason they should be less encouraged to deal with them in whichever healthy way they see fit.

Did you know your health could be at stake?

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, men turn to drugs and alcohol at twice the rate of women. Men are also more likely to experience anxiety disorders like PTSD. Some research suggests that women suffer from more cases of depression, however experts are starting to think that the numbers are skewed simply because women are more likely than men to recognize their depression and seek help.

Men are also more likely to deal with their emotions in unhealthy ways. This usually results in self-medicating with substances, anger, frustration, irritability or even violent outbursts. Men are also more likely to die by their own hands than women are. Why? Because although women are more likely to attempt suicide they prefer pills while men tend to go straight for the hand gun.

Clearly, whatever it is men are doing (or in most cases not doing) in the interest of their own mental health isn't working out.

Where can men go for some self-help?

Lucky for you I've become somewhat of a self-help aficionado thanks to this blog. Below you'll find a list of resources for all you gnarly dudes.

TokiiLab - They have games, fun articles and yes, self-help resources for men! In fact, you can thank these guys for shedding light on a lot of the astonishing statistics found in this blog post.

The Daily Love - This breakout blog which was recently featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday was started by a guy! It also features a ton of other male health experts, coaches and thinkers so you can live your best life.

Tony Robbins - You can't have a blog post like this without mentioning Tony Robbins. You just can't. YouTube the guy and prepare to have your mind blown.

Kute Blackson - Check this guy out for some awesome videos that are all focused on liberation. He's also go great relationship advice.

Deepak Chopra - An incredible speaker, teacher and doctor who has a nifty way of mixing spiritual principles and practices with science. Whatever you're dealing with, he's got a meditation and a million books.

Ekhart Tolle - A powerhouse whose books will change your life.

The Art of Manliness - This blog is just effin' awesome. A blog full of substance and smart content to counteract all the crap in men's magazines. Also a nice power of example that argues against the recent theory that millenial men are louts.

Perhaps this list isn't as a long as it would have been if it were written toward women, but it's definitely a start! Do any of you men know of any great websites or books for your fellow dudes? If not, how about you start one? There's clearly a need for it.

In the Meantime. It's mostly about romantic relationships and how to get through them when they don't work out, what you can learn from them and how to enjoy the in between stages; but soon after finished reading it I realized that the meantime can refer to much more than just relationships - it can refer to your career, a business, cultivating a healthy lifestyle or your Quarter Life Crisis.

The fact of the matter is that the meantime is any time you feel like you're in the between stages of something. It may be that stage when you know you're on to something and you're scared shitless. Or, it may be the time between relationships. It may be that time you're hustling to finish some big goal.

I then noticed how I'm in a lot of meantimes. I recently got out of a relationship, I'm in the between stages of getting my coaching certification and running a business, I just started eating really healthy, I'm still in the first stages of my career and my blog is constantly in the meantime as I learn about online marketing and creating streams of income.

You may be experiencing some of your own meantimes as well. Moving back home into your parents' house (been there). Job hunting (been there too). Getting out of debt. Finishing school. Grad school applications. Relationships (Haven't we all been there?). The list goes on and on.

It turns out that life is full of meantime experiences, and sometimes we get caught up in them and panic.

So how do we deal? How do we go from one stepping stone to another without completely losing our footing?

Step One: Become the witness.

This is probably one of the hardest parts in regard to moving on during meantime stages. While it's great and very healthy to let out your emotions, there's a difference between release and attachment.

We have to actively practice becoming the witness of our thoughts. Granted, we can't always do this and we gotta cut ourselves some slack every once in a while, but for the most part we can catch ourselves when our minds are fabricating some crazy stuff.

Do any of these sound familiar?

"He/She hasn't called. They obviously don't care. What an asshole. I'm not worth it." (Can't they just be busy? And I don't know - maybe just be human and dealing with emotions too?)

"I can't start my own business because I'll fail." (And what if you don't fail? What if at the very least, you created an extra source of income if not a full time gig?)

"If I don't have my life figured out by x date I'm doomed." (Really? Are you going to actually die? I think not.)

"Although I hate my boss and my job, I can't leave because then what will I do?" (Find another job. Figure it out. The same thing people who quit their jobs have been doing for ages.)

"I'm stuck here." (You're only stuck if you allow yourself to be stuck.)

And on and on and on.

If we take a second to just witness our thoughts instead of totally getting caught up in them we can see how ridiculous they really are.

Step Two: Strength in numbers.

As of late my best friend and I have been having what she calls "anger spirals." We both just got out of romantic relationships and have been dealing with the aftermath. While on the one hand we're dealing with hurt and anger, we're also completely excited by the wealth of opportunity laid out before us. The combination of these two extreme (and polar opposite) emotions have left us both feeling very overwhelmed and anxious.

We're both in a major meantime stage. Fresh out of relationships and onto something big in respect with our own lives and careers. We're young, ambitious and hard working; but we also know there's a mountain of stuff we need to get done on this big blue marble if we are to reach our goals - all while we try to move on from pain and love ourselves in the process.

Enter anger spirals. And overwhelm. And Gchats where we hold ourselves accountable and call each other out on our ridiculous spirals.

My point is there's strength in numbers. Not in the sense that misery loves company, but that an outsider can call you out on your shit.

Confide what you're feeling to a friend. Let them call you out. And if need be, go through the meantime stage together.

Step Three: Find the opportunity.

Meantime stages can lead to a lot of opportunity, but only if you allow yourself to see it. Lost your job? Start a business. Got dumped? Get fit. Take up a new hobby. Learn something new.

I got dumped and picked up mixed martial arts. I went without a job for months after graduating, so I started freelancing to make extra cash (which I still do). I was overwhelmed by the mere thought of adulthood, so I started this blog. I wasn't digging my first job, so I quit and found a new one that gives me great writing material.

There's always opportunity lying underneath all the messy meantime stuff. You just have to find it.

Step Four: Pause.

I'm one of those people who likes to hit the ground running. My patience runs thin, I like to get things done fast and I forget to take a step back and pause. This especially happens when I'm dealing with emotional stuff. I avoid it. I load up my schedule and keep myself so busy I don't have time to think.

Some of you personal development/ambition junkies may very well be the same way. Always busy, never pausing for a second.

The good news - I at least know my patterns.

The bad news - It's very hard to break patterns. Especially patterns we've been accustomed to for a very long time.

But dammit I am trying! I've almost got my daily meditation practice down packed. I am making sure to put in the time to clear my head, be still and be present. And truthfully, that's when I have felt most at peace during these meantime stages.

I will also be taking a major step back this weekend as take a break from my coaching classes. We need to allow ourselves to rest. It's all a part of self care.

If you find yourself in the meantime, I highly suggest checking out Iyanla Vanzant's book (especially if you're moving out of a romantic relationship). I also recommend taking the time to really take care of yourself, do some exploring and try new things.

You never know what this crazy life will bring us, and sometimes it takes a meantime situation to shed some light on it.

Products Mentioned in this Post:

In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant

Grad Meets World » relationship advice

Why Dudes, Bros and Homeboys Should Get Into Personal Development