Why Dudes, Bros and Homeboys Should Get Into Personal Development

Amanda Abella — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 14:00:52 +0000

I've spent the last few weeks trying to help a good friend of mine through a rough breakup. Through this process he brought up something very interesting that has stuck out in my mind for some time - dudes have no where to go for self-help & personal development, or at the very least, they don't know where to go.

Photo via HA! Designs - Artbyheather @ Flickr

At first I must have looked at him like he was nuts, but he continued anyway, "When you went through your break-up a few months back your girlfriends took care of you. They got you out of the house, they supported you when you were down. Plus, you had all these women empowerment groups to go to which helped you focus on something else other than your break-up. Women who read your blog sent you encouraging emails from all over the country. You even knew what books to read! Us guys...yeah we don't have that. We're told to suck shit up and deal with it on our own."

He was right. I was floored.

This inspired me to do a little research for all the amazing dudes who read this blog (my friend being one of them). After all, I've always got sweet stuff for the ladies (being that I am a woman it's just easier) but I've never put anything together for my male readers.

Some of you may be rolling your eyes, but I know for a fact you deal with a lot of the same crap us ladies do. Why? Because we're all human and we're all in it together. Besides, you read this blog so clearly you have some sort of interest in your own well being.

Granted, the difference lies in how you deal with stuff. Am I going to tell you to get in lotus position and share your feelings? Not exactly. Unless that works for you, of course.So bear with me as I dish on why men should get on the self-help bandwagon.

How many times have you felt like you had no outlet for how you feel?

Probably quite a few. That's because entire generations of men have been told to conceal their feelings and "man up." They've been told to pick themselves up by their boot straps and dust themselves off. Don't get me wrong I love a strong confident dude as much as the next girl & I certainly don't want the guy I'm dating to be more into chick flicks than I am, but that doesn't mean you have to shut down and suppress how you actually feel.

As humans we need to deal with life. That means we get curve balls thrown at us, go through heartbreak and encounter disappointments. Emotions come up regardless of what genitalia you happen to don and for that reason alone you must learn how to deal with them. Take WWII vets for instance, they were expected to just forget about the war and move on with their lives. Consequently, many vets did just that and ended up with PTSD instead.

Moral of the story: deal with your emotions.

Does this mean get in a pow wow, take up Pilates and share your feelings with every person you encounter? Absolutely not. It just means find something that works for YOU. For instance, does working out help you get clear? Maybe you can take up mixed martial arts or some sort of sport. I have one male coaching client who boxes and has started a daily routine of plugging in his headphones and jamming out to some tunes. Those two things alone help him deal with whatever is coming up for him.

How many times have you felt alone? Like you're the only one feeling a certain way?

Again, probably quite a few times. Old habits die hard, and even today men are much less likely to seek help from others or therapy than women are. In my own experience with dating, the only thing that really ensues is a distant man who pushes away for the sake of "being strong." With the more severe cases they only end up projecting whatever emotions haven't been dealt with and hurting people in the process. Women have, of course, been taught to do the exact opposite and what usually ensues is an argument we see mimicked on sitcoms all the time.

Now if all if you dudes are doing this it's no wonder you feel like you can't read that book, call a friend or find a therapist. Hell, you may feel like you can't even talk to another dude! Notice how absurd it is that a man feels like he can't talk to another man about problems they both share! Given that you are all hard wired differently than women are, wouldn't it make sense to talk to a person who can see eye to eye with you?

We, as a society, need to change the conversation. It's not just women who deal with emotions, men most certainly have them too and there is no reason they should be less encouraged to deal with them in whichever healthy way they see fit.

Did you know your health could be at stake?

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, men turn to drugs and alcohol at twice the rate of women. Men are also more likely to experience anxiety disorders like PTSD. Some research suggests that women suffer from more cases of depression, however experts are starting to think that the numbers are skewed simply because women are more likely than men to recognize their depression and seek help.

Men are also more likely to deal with their emotions in unhealthy ways. This usually results in self-medicating with substances, anger, frustration, irritability or even violent outbursts. Men are also more likely to die by their own hands than women are. Why? Because although women are more likely to attempt suicide they prefer pills while men tend to go straight for the hand gun.

Clearly, whatever it is men are doing (or in most cases not doing) in the interest of their own mental health isn't working out.

Where can men go for some self-help?

Lucky for you I've become somewhat of a self-help aficionado thanks to this blog. Below you'll find a list of resources for all you gnarly dudes.

TokiiLab - They have games, fun articles and yes, self-help resources for men! In fact, you can thank these guys for shedding light on a lot of the astonishing statistics found in this blog post.

The Daily Love - This breakout blog which was recently featured on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday was started by a guy! It also features a ton of other male health experts, coaches and thinkers so you can live your best life.

Tony Robbins - You can't have a blog post like this without mentioning Tony Robbins. You just can't. YouTube the guy and prepare to have your mind blown.

Kute Blackson - Check this guy out for some awesome videos that are all focused on liberation. He's also go great relationship advice.

Deepak Chopra - An incredible speaker, teacher and doctor who has a nifty way of mixing spiritual principles and practices with science. Whatever you're dealing with, he's got a meditation and a million books.

Ekhart Tolle - A powerhouse whose books will change your life.

The Art of Manliness - This blog is just effin' awesome. A blog full of substance and smart content to counteract all the crap in men's magazines. Also a nice power of example that argues against the recent theory that millenial men are louts.

Perhaps this list isn't as a long as it would have been if it were written toward women, but it's definitely a start! Do any of you men know of any great websites or books for your fellow dudes? If not, how about you start one? There's clearly a need for it.

Crazy Sexy Diet by Kris Carr

Spirituality/Positive Psychology:

May Cause Miracles: A 40-Day Guidebook of Subtle Shifts for Radical Change and Unlimited Happiness by Gabrielle Bernstein

(Bonus: I'm totally digging Doreen Virtue as of late. If you're feeling open minded or your spirit needs a boost I highly recommend this.)

Money:

The Mint Manual by Tim Murphy (Check out a full length review here.)

The Law of Divine Compensation: On Work, Money and Miracles by Marianne Williamson

Kicking Ass:

Audacity Rules by Coach Jennie (Check out our one-on-one interview here.)

Amazon Store

For more of my favorite personal development books visit my store on Amazon.

Tweetable:

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Photo by Amanda Soler Photography

In a nutshell.

I tried things differently this year. It was a year when my post-grad anxiety started to subside, I succeeded in starting to put my health first, reconnected with Miami and even started dating again. Despite the hardships that sometimes ensued, like upsets at work or serious heartbreak, it's the best year I've had in a long time. It's also the most calm I have felt in what seems like years. No regrets.

I also made tremendous progress financially, within my career and in my personal relationships. A lot of it is thanks to this blog and it's readers. You guys not only inspire me, you also help keep me accountable and for that I am forever grateful.

2013 will be dedicated to planning workshops (already have two in the works!), partnerships and creating a space where millenials can share, grow and learn from each other as we create our careers, our health, our personal experiences and our lives. I want this to be a space where you guys can come for positive reinforcement, resources and connections.

With that being said, please make sure to fill out this survey so I can better serve you in 2013.

Thank you all for another incredible year!

The Ultimate 2012 Round Up

What a year for Grad Meets World! Apparently some of the topics discussed got some serious attention! With that being said here are the top posts from the year:

10 Top Notch Gen Y Blogs of 2011

Why It's Okay to Be a Boomerang Kid (This little number sparked quite a controversy and even got my blog featured on The Consumerist! You guys had some awesome things to say in what turned into a healthy debate.)

4 Signs That You May Be an Entrepreneur at Heart

10 Odd Things You Should Never Do at a Job Interview

Some of my personal favorites...

Love and Relationships

How Do You Deal With a Breakup? 7 Steps for Getting Over a Breakup

The Love Manifesto: 23 Principles to Help You Thrive in Your Romantic Relationships

Side Hustling

How I'm Making Over 1K from My Blog This Month

10 Lessons Learned from 2 Years of Freelancing

3 Ways Your Blog Can Make You Money Without Being Sleazy

Career

Just for the Ladies - Resources to Help You Kick Ass in Your Career

20 Lessons Learned from Conducting 200+ Interviews

5 Ways to Get Your Life Back from Your Job

How to Network Like a Pro (The Non-Sleazy Way)

Money

10 Biggest Obstacles to Financial Success in Your 20s

Calling Yourself Out on Emotional Sp ending

Health

Learning to Love Your Body

How Do You Practice Self-Love?

How Poor Health Can Cost You A Lot of Money

Favorite Things I've Written for Other Websites

6 Things That Keep 20-something Women from Financial Success - Forbes

How LocalLEVO Is Helping Me Through a Breakup - The Levo League

Interview Tips from Hiring Recruiters: How Not to Be an Idiot in a Job Interview - The Levo League

New Grads: Are You Being Unrealistic in Your Job Search? - SALT

Top Free Networking Tools and Events for Post-Grad Millenials - SALT

Can You Come in for an Interview - Tomorrow? - The Daily Muse

4 Ways to Deal With Big Life Changes - Lifehack

3 Ways Freelancing Can Land You a Full-Time Job - Simply Hired

How I Plan on Getting My Savings Back After Spending $6,000 - Careful Cents

20 Lessons Learned From 2 Years of Blogging

Grad Meets World turned 2 years old this year! 2012 truly represents a year of tremendous growth for this blog and myself as a person. With that being said, here are some of the most important lessons I've learned.

1. It's okay to be vulnerable for your readers. In fact, it makes for true connections.

2. Building a practice of any kind - saving money, exercise, meditation - is like strengthening a muscle. It takes time, work and dedication, but the rewards are sweet.

3. You can use your own hardships to reach out to others and help them.

4. At the end of the day we're all human. We have the same victories and we have the same hurts.

5. It's more than okay to take a break and recharge.

6. I'd rather have fewer clients who pay well then a bunch of projects that pay shit.

7. My life coach training constantly pushes me out of my comfort zone.

8. The only certainty in life is uncertainty - it's what you make it mean that matters.

9. You have to think of the bigger picture in terms of your career - not just what your paycheck is. That is to say, what's going to benefit you in the long run? What extra stuff can you do? How can you go big?

10. Learning how to manage your boss is probably more important than actually managing your job.

11. Forgiveness is the bedrock of a happier life.

12. It's okay if you have a different path than what others want for you.

13. Make your friendships more romantic and your romantic relationships more brotherly. (Favorite lesson from Gabrielle Bernstein & A Course in Miracles. Really came in handy this year.)

14. I'm not going to die if I don't pay off my credit card in full one month. I just have to make sure not to make it a habit.

15. Sometimes it's okay to take a risk with your money. And it's certainly more than okay to invest in yourself.

16. Your relationship with yourself is the most important one you will ever have.

17. Your family cares for you and they want what's best, but sometimes you have to tune them out in order to become who you are meant to be.

18. Having compassion for someone who hurt you is not rolling over and playing dead. In fact, if you can see the humanizing factor in every undesirable situation you're going to heal much faster (and more gracefully) than you ever imagined.

19. You can be open and honest in every aspect of a romantic relationship and it'll work for however long its supposed to. If it ends it's not because of being so open, it just wasn't meant to be. Simple as that.

20. Networking and getting involved in your local community is one of the coolest things you can do for your career - and for yourself.

Personal 2012 Milestones

Partnerships: I teamed up with American Student Assistance as one of the writers for their SALT blog. It's been an incredible experience as I share my career experiences with others who are just starting out. They are also some of the coolest people I have ever had the pleasure of working with. Keep a look out in 2013 for a Career webinar by yours truly and SALT!

Writing: This year was HUGE for me as I got published on one of my favorite business publications - Forbes! This was all thanks to the incredible team over on Glass Heel. Make sure to check these ladies out for anything you can possibly need to go from cubicle to board room! I also started writing for The Daily Muse, Lifehack and continued writing for my favorite career ladies over at The Levo League.

Community: I went on a networking marathon during the latter half of 2012. I am proud to be a part of The Levo League's LocalLEVO Miami chapter and have connected with such incredible ladies as a result! I also got to meet The Levo League co-founder Amanda Pouchot, Community Manager Maxie McCoy and The New Professional's/The Daily Muse's Angeline Evans! Furthermore, I got together with local Spirit Junkies and Gabrielle Bernstein enthusiasts to start a group of women who are there to support each other, help each other and be like spiritual running buddies. It's truly been an incredible opportunity to meet so many like minded ladies living in my own community! Here's to helping each other elevate not only our careers, but our lives as well.

Life Coaching: In April 2012 I officially started my life coaching certification course. The entire process has been a huge eye opener and I see myself using the skills I've learned in my writing, in my personal relationships and at my job. I've also taken on a couple of clients (both long time readers of the blog) to help me create a program and test out exercises (thanks to the both of you for being so patient with me!). In 2013 I will be putting things to the test with workshops and webinars. Make sure to sign up for the email list to stay updated!

Fitness: December 26, 2012 marks one year since I decided to practice yoga on a regular basis. Regardless of what is going on in my life I always find myself back on the mat. I've had the absolute pleasure of getting to know incredible teachers at Prana Yoga Miami and take tools I learn on the mat into my daily life. Yoga is truly a gift and I am thankful to have incorporated it into my life. In September 2012 I also picked up mixed martial arts/boxing and have been steadily going ever since. I can feel (and see) the changes in my body and it feels great! If you're ever in Miami make sure to check out Arena Combat Sports for a hell of a workout and some pretty cool people.

On a personal level: I have made some incredible connections this year as I maneuver my way through the crazy city of Miami. There's always something going on in this vibrant town and for that I am so grateful! I also opened up on a much more personal level through a romantic relationship, released some fears that had been holding me back and got a huge lesson in compassion and forgiveness. I've really opened up this year - both in my personal life and on this blog - and the process has been a beautiful one.

What's next in 2013?

1. Live workshops and webinars!

I've teamed up with some incredible people, both locally and online, to bring one of my blog dreams to reality - workshops and webinars! I've got a fitness goals workshop in the works with an awesome Miami personal trainer & I'm teaming up with a couple of great websites to create career development workshops in the Spring. Keep an eye out for more info!

2. Newsletter

One of my goals for 2013 is to write up monthly email blasts for my loyal subscribers. You guys are the lifeblood of this blog and if it weren't for you this blog wouldn't be what it is today. I plan on cracking myself open and going deep in these posts so make sure to sign up for insights you'll only get via email.

3. How can Grad Meets World improve?

My goals is to help you guys in your post-grad lives. I get a lot of material from my own life as I learn to maneuver finances, my career and personal relationships but I want to make sure these things are helpful for you. Please feel free to use this contact form to send me any insights or suggestions. Or, please make sure to fill out this survey.

Thank you again for another incredible year for Grad Meets World! May all your goals, wishes and dreams come into fruition as we enter a New Year!

Identifying Your Ideal Partner

This is a pretty simple exercise yet very important. When we're single it can be pretty hard to figure out what we want. Hell, sometimes we don't know what we want even when we're in a relationship.

Case and point: how many of us are guilty of trying to change our partner in order to fit OUR needs? Newsflash: you can't change people. On the other hand, if you would have been clear about what you wanted beforehand you would have gone for the person who matched it. Instead, we tend to date aimlessly and hope to change people. What ensues is frustration and hurt.

Let's back track here. Let's take the opportunity to figure out what it is we actually WANT instead of projecting and manipulating our desires onto a person who very well isn't meant to possess them. Let's save ourselves the trouble and figure out what we want/need BEFORE jumping into relationships.

Step One: Questions to Discover Your Future Partner's Qualities

What qualities do you want your potential partner to demonstrate?

Here are some examples of questions you can answer to help you figure it out:

How does he/she make me feel special?

What does he/she do when I'm sick?

How does he/she show affection?

How does he/she treat me in company when we go out?

How does he/she make me laugh?

His/Her most important quality is...

The best thing about him/her is...

For example:

Question: How does he/she treat me in company when we go out?

Qualities: He/she is respectful, attentive and kind.

Step Two: Identifying Your Partner's Qualities

In Step One you wrote the list of qualities for your future partner. But how would you know if the guy/girl you're currently dating has these qualities? By answering the same set of questions but in the present tense. You will also need to assess your partner's behavior.

For example:

Question: How does he/she treat me in company when we go out?

Qualities: He/she is respectful, attentive and kind.

Behavior: He/she is attentive and considerate to me, and kind to the waitress.

Step Three: Your Qualities

Love is not what you get, but what you give.

- Harley M. Storey

This is something people often overlook. Write down the qualities that you bring to the relationship.

If you'd like to download an Ideal Partner Worksheet click here.

In the Meantime. It's mostly about romantic relationships and how to get through them when they don't work out, what you can learn from them and how to enjoy the in between stages; but soon after finished reading it I realized that the meantime can refer to much more than just relationships - it can refer to your career, a business, cultivating a healthy lifestyle or your Quarter Life Crisis.

The fact of the matter is that the meantime is any time you feel like you're in the between stages of something. It may be that stage when you know you're on to something and you're scared shitless. Or, it may be the time between relationships. It may be that time you're hustling to finish some big goal.

I then noticed how I'm in a lot of meantimes. I recently got out of a relationship, I'm in the between stages of getting my coaching certification and running a business, I just started eating really healthy, I'm still in the first stages of my career and my blog is constantly in the meantime as I learn about online marketing and creating streams of income.

You may be experiencing some of your own meantimes as well. Moving back home into your parents' house (been there). Job hunting (been there too). Getting out of debt. Finishing school. Grad school applications. Relationships (Haven't we all been there?). The list goes on and on.

It turns out that life is full of meantime experiences, and sometimes we get caught up in them and panic.

So how do we deal? How do we go from one stepping stone to another without completely losing our footing?

Step One: Become the witness.

This is probably one of the hardest parts in regard to moving on during meantime stages. While it's great and very healthy to let out your emotions, there's a difference between release and attachment.

We have to actively practice becoming the witness of our thoughts. Granted, we can't always do this and we gotta cut ourselves some slack every once in a while, but for the most part we can catch ourselves when our minds are fabricating some crazy stuff.

Do any of these sound familiar?

"He/She hasn't called. They obviously don't care. What an asshole. I'm not worth it." (Can't they just be busy? And I don't know - maybe just be human and dealing with emotions too?)

"I can't start my own business because I'll fail." (And what if you don't fail? What if at the very least, you created an extra source of income if not a full time gig?)

"If I don't have my life figured out by x date I'm doomed." (Really? Are you going to actually die? I think not.)

"Although I hate my boss and my job, I can't leave because then what will I do?" (Find another job. Figure it out. The same thing people who quit their jobs have been doing for ages.)

"I'm stuck here." (You're only stuck if you allow yourself to be stuck.)

And on and on and on.

If we take a second to just witness our thoughts instead of totally getting caught up in them we can see how ridiculous they really are.

Step Two: Strength in numbers.

As of late my best friend and I have been having what she calls "anger spirals." We both just got out of romantic relationships and have been dealing with the aftermath. While on the one hand we're dealing with hurt and anger, we're also completely excited by the wealth of opportunity laid out before us. The combination of these two extreme (and polar opposite) emotions have left us both feeling very overwhelmed and anxious.

We're both in a major meantime stage. Fresh out of relationships and onto something big in respect with our own lives and careers. We're young, ambitious and hard working; but we also know there's a mountain of stuff we need to get done on this big blue marble if we are to reach our goals - all while we try to move on from pain and love ourselves in the process.

Enter anger spirals. And overwhelm. And Gchats where we hold ourselves accountable and call each other out on our ridiculous spirals.

My point is there's strength in numbers. Not in the sense that misery loves company, but that an outsider can call you out on your shit.

Confide what you're feeling to a friend. Let them call you out. And if need be, go through the meantime stage together.

Step Three: Find the opportunity.

Meantime stages can lead to a lot of opportunity, but only if you allow yourself to see it. Lost your job? Start a business. Got dumped? Get fit. Take up a new hobby. Learn something new.

I got dumped and picked up mixed martial arts. I went without a job for months after graduating, so I started freelancing to make extra cash (which I still do). I was overwhelmed by the mere thought of adulthood, so I started this blog. I wasn't digging my first job, so I quit and found a new one that gives me great writing material.

There's always opportunity lying underneath all the messy meantime stuff. You just have to find it.

Step Four: Pause.

I'm one of those people who likes to hit the ground running. My patience runs thin, I like to get things done fast and I forget to take a step back and pause. This especially happens when I'm dealing with emotional stuff. I avoid it. I load up my schedule and keep myself so busy I don't have time to think.

Some of you personal development/ambition junkies may very well be the same way. Always busy, never pausing for a second.

The good news - I at least know my patterns.

The bad news - It's very hard to break patterns. Especially patterns we've been accustomed to for a very long time.

But dammit I am trying! I've almost got my daily meditation practice down packed. I am making sure to put in the time to clear my head, be still and be present. And truthfully, that's when I have felt most at peace during these meantime stages.

I will also be taking a major step back this weekend as take a break from my coaching classes. We need to allow ourselves to rest. It's all a part of self care.

If you find yourself in the meantime, I highly suggest checking out Iyanla Vanzant's book (especially if you're moving out of a romantic relationship). I also recommend taking the time to really take care of yourself, do some exploring and try new things.

You never know what this crazy life will bring us, and sometimes it takes a meantime situation to shed some light on it.

Products Mentioned in this Post:

In the Meantime by Iyanla Vanzant

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After working in career consulting, recruiting and human resources I've noticed that half the people I interview are pretty damn miserable. They've blamed outward circumstances for their problems, bring baggage to job interviews, dealt with broken marriages, blew through all their money, got laid off, had to deal with medical issues, and bring an overall crappy mood into the room.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty sympathetic toward people with issues - hell, we've all got them! Life isn't perfect, people! What bothers me is when they let the inner nastiness determine how they react to life's curve balls. This nastiness then projects outward causing them to lose their jobs, fail at relationships, hurt people, create addictive behavior, bomb job interviews, take on insurmountable amounts of debt, and chase things outside of themselves in an attempt to find happiness.

They come into the office thinking that if they get that one awesome job all their problems will be solved. Here's a newsflash: if you bring a crappy attitude to the job your problems aren't over. In fact, they will either continue or get worse. If you can't stay satisfied at one job over your attitude what makes you think the next job will be any different?

And the same applies for everything else. If you can't manage your money making 38k what makes you think you can manage it when you make 50k? If you can't forgive an ex what makes you think the next guy is going to be any better? If you can't get off your butt and go to the gym how are you supposed to get fit?

On the other hand, there are those people I interview who are an absolute joy to meet. Even if we can't find them a job or provide much consultation, they bring this awesome energy into the room. They don't necessarily have a ton of money, a nice car and a hot relationship. In fact, these people have gone through many of the same hardships as those I've previously mentioned -if not worse! The difference is in their attitude. They have already realized that clawing, manipulating and complaining won't make situations any better. They know they are the co-creators of their own lives. They know that life can be lived with ease.

Is it genetics? Are some people just born happier than others? No. Some people just learn early on how to roll with the punches and stay positive. And more people are starting realize that their internal state will make a world of difference as they go about living their lives.

The moral of the story? Stop being such a cranky pants. Stop chasing things outside of yourself for happiness. Work on the inside and the outside will start figuring itself out.

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Step One: Allow yourself to feel.

Do not resist whatever comes up for you. If you feel like crap just admit it, feel it and move on. There's no need to resist because that will just make things worse.

Step Two: Forgive, let go and surrender.

Do this on a daily basis. Start in the morning and then do it again at night. If you feel yourself getting negative or angry toward another person practice letting go right then and there. Gabby Bernstein has got some awesome meditations and visualization exercises for this.

Step Three: Have a support system.

A break up is not a good time to be alone. Surround yourself with people who care about you and support you each step of the way. The more positive the better! Thanks to some of my friends (both online and off) I've bounced back to my silly hyperactive self much faster than I initially thought I would.

Step Four: Find the lesson.

Finding a lesson in a tough situation is a great way to empower yourself while you're healing. What can you learn from this situation? In my case I think I'm supposed to learn how to let go, trust and be compassionate toward the other person. Patience is definitely a big lesson here too!

In life coaching we often talk about reframing perspectives. Finding a lesson is a good way to do just that. You can also try any of the following perspectives (taken straight from my ICA study materials):

Most experiences in life have a mixture of good and bad in them and I choose to focus on the good.
Even the worst situations offer opportunities to learn and grow.
Every new situation is a new opportunity. My past doesn’t have to determine my present or future.
Living in alignment with my values is the most important thing. Relationships with others flow out of this.
Today is going to be a good day if I choose to make it one.
I have my journey. Other people have theirs.
There are many opportunities in every day for me to shape my future.
I can live with life’s disappointments and not be overwhelmed by them.
I am a unique and magnificent human being.
My life is the most important project I will ever work on.
Most people are good at heart.
I am the only one who can change my mind and my heart.
We are all different and that’s one of the things that makes life interesting.
We all make mistakes. It’s how you learn from them that matters.
Virtue is its own reward.

Step Five: Get physical.

Exercise may be your best friend during this time. In addition to my regular yoga and use of public transit I've added mixed martial arts to my routine. Hey, I needed something a little more aggressive for a while! LOL

Step Six: Find a purpose for your pain.

After careful reflection I realized that I could use my experience during this break up to help others who may be going through the same thing. After all, I started this blog two years ago because I was having a tough time - there's no reason I should stop now!

Step Seven: Do something nice for yourself.

I'm giving myself a mani/pedi. If I really get isnpired I'm throwing in a massage too. If you're going through a rough time it's completely okay to do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

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Since we live in an imperfect world we're always going to have curve balls thrown at us. after all, no one is perfect and the perfect life certainly doesn't exist - so our ability to handle emotional stress and trauma is what is really going to make a big difference in our lives.

As of late I've been dealing with some emotional stuff. Work has been stressful (partially my own doing for overloading my schedule on a near daily basis) and I ran into a road block in the romantic relationship department. Needless to say I've been frazzled and emotional and although I know eveything is going to be fine I still have to deal with the feelings that are coming up for me.

I know that in my life there are two things that always make me feel better: the ocean and physical activity. Both of which I've hit up in the last week or so. Unfortunately i can't go to the ocean as much as I would like, but exercise is always an option.

Your body holds a lot of emotional stress (you yogis may recall that hips and shoulders always come up when it comes to holding on to baggae) it needs to move so you can start releasing those pent up emotions. Some would even argue that exercise is a form of meditation - it helps you release blocks, recharge and even gives you clarity when you really need it. As of late exercise is the only thing that calms my nerves and helps me release emotional tension. So much, in fact, that I started doing mixed martial arts again after a few years of hiatus (bet you all didn't know I used to do that). After a long day at work and relationship issues theres nothing like punching or kicking a bag. Couple that with my yoga routine and ive got the perfect combination to work both the inside and the outside of my body.

And if the release of all the negative crap in your body isnt enough to convince you of exercise's healing powers how about the fact that being fit and healthy generally makes life better? You get more energy, you deal with stress in a healthy way, and you release endorphins.

Like Elle Woods so famously said in Legally Blonde...

Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands.

start making extra money, I discovered my passion for personal development, I started this amazing blog, I got my first job out of college and I fell in love with yoga. Most of all, I started learning everything I could about positive psychology and self-love. Don't get me wrong, you can totally do all this stuff while being in a healthy relationship, but since my issue revolved around relationships I knew there was no way I could dedicate the time I needed to get my shit together had I been in one.

So for those of you who are single and maybe have been for a while, don't fret. There are some really beautiful things that can come from being single - in particular developing a relationship with yourself.

4 Reasons You Should Be Happy You're Single

1. You can take the time to get to know yourself.

How many of us really know who we are outside of relationships or job titles? Unfortunately, not many.

Being single gives you the opportunity to really get to know all sides of authentic self. It gives you an opportunity to really get honest about what you want and who you are without worrying about what someone else might say.

2. The door is wide open for opportunity.

You're single! You don't have a significant other to worry about so do what you want! Want to take up kickboxing? Do it. Want to start a business? Do it. Want to go live abroad? Do it.

You've got an incredible opportunity to explore without any attachments. Enjoy it to the fullest and when you're ready to settle down the Universe will pave the way.

3. Perfect time to straighten out your money!

It's so much easier to figure out your money situation when you're single! Take advantage of the time and really set yourself up for financial success. After all, finances are the number one reason why so many couples separate, so it's better to sort it all out BEFORE you're in a relationship.

4. An open invitation to practice self-love.

The invitation to practice self-love is always available, but unfortunately many people lose sight of that once they are in a relationship. In fact, what usually happens is they lose themselves in the other person causing friction, a need to control and a lost sense of self. This isn't totally our faults, we live in a society that states our happily ever after is found through loving another person outside of ourselves and then having that love reciprocated. What ensues is a recipe for co-dependant disaster.

Being single gives you the perfect opportunity to practice self-love without any distractions. Take advantage of this time to stay committed to a relationship with yourself.

As you can see being single has a lot of advantages. Once you clean up your side of the street you'll live authentically and be truly happy - from the inside out. Take the time to explore, love yourself and get clear about what you want. It will make a world of difference the next time you find yourself in a relationship.

ICA certification. I figured it would actually be a great way to help those of you who are considering seeking out the help of a life coach. I can only speak from my own experience as a client, however I do feel like this can benefit some of you who are unsure if life coaching is right for you.

Why do people seek out life coaching?

You may be considering coaching to help you reach your goals, sort out some issue thats got you stuck or move forward with some aspect your life. You may be considering it to seek clarity, have some accountability or simply out of curiosity. Whatever the case may be, there are certain things you can expect once you've established a relationship with your life coach.

My Group Setting Experience

The first time I ever tried any sort of life coaching was in a group setting with one of my favorite authors and speakers, Gabrielle Bernstein. I had an inkling that I needed to work on my issues with spirituality and authenticity. I also knew that although I had done a lot of work to overcome past hurt and resentment that I needed some help on moving forward. Overall, I knew I was ready to allow someone else to help me.

So on February 27th I started a 4 week group coaching course with Gabrielle Bernstein. Since I don't live in New York I attended via Ustream, but it still felt like I was in the room with all the other people. Her format was somewhat different but enjoyable - she would give us tools and principles from A Course in Miracles and teach us how we could use them in our own lives. She would then take questions and coach individuals through whatever was coming up for them.

Although I was quite familiar with Bernstein's work and I thoroughly enjoyed the group coaching, I knew I may have needed more one-on-one work. Especially since at that time I knew that I, too, someday wanted to be a coach for others.

Soon after my group coaching with Bernstein I signed up to become a certified life coach.

My Individual Coaching Experience

As you know, I'm a very big fan of my Peer Coach, Jilean Beharry. We instantly hit it off during our exploratory session and decided to see where this coaching relationship would take us. I will admit that at first I was somewhat standoffish about things I needed to work on - namely the issue of trust which I insisted on calling "The T Word." I was also dead set on working on my career and side hustle, but as time went on Jill cracked me open and we discussed things that were really eating me up in the inside - romantic relationships, anxiety, overworking myself, how I'd lost my faith and the incessant urge to control everything.

By the end of it I felt like a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I had more clarity about the various areas I needed to work on. In fact, shortly after completing our coaching I found myself in a romantic relationship for the first time in years.

How do I know if life coaching would work for me?

There's no guarantee on your happiness in life coaching because they don't hold the reigns to your life, and whatever coach you seek out should make that very clear. Their job is to help you figure stuff out for yourself, to hold you accountable and to tenderly push you when necessary.

The fact of the matter is that you have to come from a place of openness and commitment to improving your life. You have to meet your coach half way or more if you expect to get results.

If I would have flaked out on sessions and avoided doing the work I never would have had the amazing results that paved the way for great things to come into my life. Instead, I showed up for myself, did the work and allowed myself to be cracked open during our sessions. I let the walls come tumbling down so that I could get the most of my coaching experience.

As a result being in the client's seat was a huge eye opener from me. I got to experience first hand what it's like to be on the other side of the table - being coached, being cracked open, being held accountable by someone else, and letting go of any preconceived notions I may have had about my own clients. I got to experience the power of coaching first hand so that I can later share it with my own clients down the road.

If you're considering seeking out a life coach but aren't sure if you're ready, feel free to use this free guide to see if you're suited to start getting coached. If you're looking for a life coach feel free to drop me a line.